This Year's Illuminati-Super Bowl Connection is More Sinister Than Ever

How deep does the Super Bowl Illuminati rabbit hole go? As deep as all rabbit holes: straight into hell.

You remember, of course, last year’s Illuminati-sponsored halftime show, after which Queen Kabbala Priestess Madonna took every firstborn American child to toil in the Backup Dancing Fields. What you may not know is that this year’s performance is shaping up to be even more dangerous, Illuminatorily speaking.

In an interview with Bill Fawell, the founder of super-PAC “Elect a New Congress,” U.S. News & World Report discovered the roots of the conspiracy.

“If you look at some of Beyonce’s performances… it’s like the military industrial police state,” Fawell tells Whispers, noting that the pop star has previously performed surrounded by male dancers in protective helmets. “That’s the subliminal message that will be spreading worldwide because everyone watches the Super Bowl.”

Why does the New World Order want to encourage helmet-wearing among male dancers? Perhaps a better question is: what does Big Helmet stand to gain from this performance? Think about it. Football players wear helmets. Helmets cover the head. The head is where Thomas Paine kept his memory. The Persistence of Memory is a recipe book about how to make madeleines; Madeleine Albright was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Barack Obama, who recently declared that he frequently goes skeet shooting; Illuminati Prince Skeet Ulrich lives in the hollowed-out torch of the Statue of Liberty, where he controls the weather.

Mark Dice’s YouTube video, “Beyonce’s Illuminati Super Bowl Half Time Show Ritual?” goes into further detail. “Last year’s Illuminati-themed Superbowl was so blatant and in-your-face that it made headlines around the world,” he says. “The ‘Father of American Football’ was Skull and Bones member, Walter Camp, who created the sport to keep the population entertained and out of the way of the government.”

Interestingly, Dice calls Jay-Z “one of the biggest Illuminati wannabes.” Is Jay-Z’s Illuminati application still pending? This could possibly mean that Willow Smith outranks him.

Now, the Illuminati does have one weakness: at this point, almost every professional singer, actor, author, religious figure and politician is a high-ranking member. At best, there are maybe 50,000 non-members left to control. But control them they (we? I’m not telling. Or am I? No, I’m not. You just told me. Don’t you remember?) shall.

It’s a very top-heavy organizational structure. Meetings are fairly chaotic; almost everyone has earned the right to wear the Bangle of Speaking so it’s kind of difficult to keep everyone listening and on-topic. Once you’re in the Illuminati, it’s hard to stay content as an ordinary rank-and-file member, you know? People forget that the Illuminati needs followers, too.

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This Year's Illuminati-Super Bowl Connection is More Sinister Than Ever