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Last month we managed to track down “Dave,” a member of the elusive Illuminati organization, who answered “Guy Code” fans’ burning questions. After explaining how he orchestrated the Bulls’ first round win and messing around with Beibs, “Dave” agreed to answer more Illuminati inquiries. Once again, through a series of complicated sources and connections, we’ve made this happen.
We love when people ask this! The plan is very simple: First, we lead you to believe that you are your own person, a unique snowflake with a brain full of fluffy dreams, puppy dogs, rainbows and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Meanwhile, we kick back with drinks and “Fresh Prince” reruns after a long day of combining animal species and conversations with aliens from space.
I can only assume by “it,” you mean “us,” and the answer is no. We have plenty of other reasons and tools for your death than you merely questioning us. If it were that simple, then it wouldn’t be as fun watching the demise of a human through cigarette smoking, too much diet soda and “Deadliest Catch.”
What does this even mean, you fool? We do not have LeBron “raw.” He’s doing exactly what’s expected. When he was in high school, there was huge rift between the organization about LeBron playing basketball or football.
Some members died defending the decision to get him into the NBA. The opposition insisted he become a wide receiver for the Raiders. LeBron as a football player? Those cushy bones wouldn’t have lasted more than three seasons. If the other side had its way, the world would’ve been stuck watching Kobe winning his ninth ring this year.
Is your government corrupt? We don’t believe it is. We believe the government is functioning as efficiently as we allow it to. Perhaps you’d prefer we go back to the days of chopping off hands and feeding people to lions? Or maybe you’d like it if we let maniacs march into countries whenever they feel like it because total world domination is within reach? No matter. We’re proud of the men and women we have in government and they, in turn, are happy to do our bidding…I mean, governing.
Very simple. We keep track of the most ridiculous things that will preoccupy a good part of the population (The Kardashians, a car chase in L.A., Miley Cyrus’s silly haircuts, etc.) and go out of our way to make sure they stay relevant enough to trend on Twitter. What’s amusing is how you think this is a decision. Trending topics on Twitter are nothing more than a hasty errand for us. In fact, we usually let our children do it. They think it’s “goofy” to get people talking about crime and reality TV and all sorts of things that waste our time, while the adults try to figure out a better way to live under the oceans.
In your sister’s bedroom.
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Originally posted here:
'Dave' From The Illuminati Answers More Twitter Questions
